How to Set Healthy Boundaries: A Guide from a Counsellor and Psychotherapist

Setting healthy boundaries is an essential part of maintaining mental and emotional wellbeing. As a counsellor and psychotherapist, I’ve seen time and again how vital it is for individuals to learn how to define and protect their personal space, feelings, and needs. Boundaries allow us to engage with others in a healthy and balanced way, enabling us to foster better relationships, reduce stress, and preserve our inner peace.

In this blog, I will explore what it means to set healthy boundaries and how it can positively impact your life. I’ll also guide you on how to establish boundaries that work for you. So, if you’ve ever wondered how to protect your emotional wellbeing while being in relationships with others, including friends and family members, this blog is for you.

Understanding Boundaries

Boundaries is the term used for the emotional, mental, and physical limits that we set in our relationships to protect our emotional and physical space. These boundaries help us navigate how much we’re willing to give to others and what we are not prepared to tolerate. While setting boundaries is essential for our wellbeing, it’s important to note that boundaries are not about controlling others. Instead, they are about understanding how we’re impacted by others’ behaviours and setting limits to protect our own inner peace.

At the core of setting healthy boundaries is the understanding that we are the only ones responsible for our feelings. This means that while we can’t control other people’s actions or emotions, we have the right to set limits based on how their actions leave us feeling. For example, if someone’s tone of voice leaves you feeling uncomfortable, you have the right to express this and request a change in how the conversation unfolds.

Healthy boundaries allow us to live authentically without being overwhelmed by the emotions or actions of others. They also empower us to engage in relationships in a way that promotes mutual respect and understanding.

The Importance of Healthy Boundaries

As a humanistic and integrative psychotherapist, I take a relational approach to counselling. This means I recognise that our emotional and mental health are shaped by the relationships we have. Whether they’re with family, friends, colleagues, or partners, these relationships can either nurture or drain us. When we don’t have clear boundaries in place, we can easily feel overwhelmed, stressed, or even resentful.

Healthy boundaries are important because they help us:

• Protect our emotional wellbeing: Setting boundaries enables us to safeguard our emotions and mental health. Without clear boundaries, we may be prone to anxiety, frustration, and burnout.

• Build healthier relationships: Boundaries communicate to others how we want to be treated. When we are clear about our limits, we create an environment where mutual respect and understanding can flourish.

• Promote Self-Care: While self-care is often associated with pampering or alone time, it’s truly about recognizing what you need to reset and care for your mental and physical health. Boundaries are a key form of self-care. They are not selfish or controlling; rather, they are a way of affirming that you matter. By setting boundaries, you honour your needs and prioritize your emotional wellbeing, ensuring that you take care of yourself in a meaningful way.

• Improve communication: Setting boundaries often requires clear communication. This might involve conversations with others or it could mean being completely honest with yourself. By articulating our feelings and needs, we create more honest and open conversations, helping to avoid misunderstandings and resentment.

How to Set Healthy Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries can be challenging, especially if you’ve never been taught how to do so. But with practice, you can develop the skills needed to assert yourself in a way that honours both your needs and the needs of others.

Here are some practical tips for setting healthy boundaries:

1. Identify Your Needs and Limits

Before setting any boundaries, it’s important to understand what you need. Reflect on situations where you feel overwhelmed, drained, or frustrated. What caused these feelings? Was it someone’s behaviour, their tone, or the expectations placed on you? Identifying these triggers will help you define the boundaries you need to establish.

2. Use "I" Statements

One of the most effective ways to set boundaries is by using “I” statements. This approach focuses on expressing your feelings without attacking or blaming the other person. For instance, rather than saying “You are shouting at me,” which could provoke defensiveness, you can say, “I don’t feel comfortable when you speak to me in that tone.” By framing it this way, you are expressing your feelings without blaming the other person.

3. Be Clear and Direct

When setting boundaries, it’s crucial to be clear and direct. Avoid ambiguity and be specific about what you need. For example, if someone is speaking to you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, you might say, “I am not comfortable when you speak about my weight in this manner. If the conversation continues in this way, I will need to step away.”

4. Set Limits on Time and Energy

Boundaries are not just about how others treat you verbally or emotionally; they can also involve your time and energy. You have every right to set limits on how much time you spend with others or how much energy you invest in certain situations. If you find yourself feeling drained after spending time with someone, it’s okay to say no to further engagements or limit your time spent in those settings. For example, you might say, “I only have five minutes for this call.”. By establishing your time limits early, you create clear boundaries and ensure that you can end a conversation before it becomes too overwhelming or exhausting.

5. Learn to Say No

Saying “no” is an essential part of boundary-setting. As a people-pleaser, you might feel guilty for saying no, but it’s important to recognize that you can’t please everyone, and you have a right to say no without explanation. If you’re asked to do something that doesn’t align with your values, time, or emotional capacity, say no kindly but firmly. This might sound like, “Thank you for considering me, but I’m unable to commit to this right now.” By communicating your boundaries clearly and with respect, you prioritize your needs without feeling the need to overexplain or justify your decision.

6. Be Consistent

Consistency is key when it comes to maintaining healthy boundaries. If you set a boundary, it’s important to follow through. When you let someone cross your boundaries without consequence, you send the message that your limits don’t matter. Consistency helps retrain your brain to advocate for your own wellbeing and reinforces the importance of respecting your limits.

Why Boundaries Are Essential for Mental Health

Setting healthy boundaries is not just about having others respect your space; it’s about honouring your own emotional needs. Boundaries help reduce stress by preventing you from becoming overwhelmed. When we’re constantly accommodating others at the expense of our own wellbeing, we risk burnout, anxiety, and resentment.

By setting boundaries, we also help train our brains to remain calm and in control. When we don’t have boundaries in place, our brains can enter a fight-or-flight response, feeling threatened by the behaviours or demands of others. Boundaries help us stay grounded and avoid emotional overwhelm.

Final Thoughts

Setting healthy boundaries is a powerful tool for emotional health and well-being. It allows us to advocate for ourselves, communicate more effectively, and create healthier relationships. Remember, you are the only one responsible for your feelings, and you have the right to set boundaries to protect your emotional, physical, and mental space.

If you’re struggling with boundary-setting or need support with navigating relationships in a healthier way, individual counselling or psychotherapy can be incredibly helpful. I offer a holistic, relational approach to therapy that can support you in developing the skills needed to set and maintain healthy boundaries.

Feel free to reach out for 1:1 counselling or psychotherapy sessions at www.counselling-creations.co.uk.