As an experienced counsellor and psychotherapist, I have often encountered the fallout from phrases such as “It’s okay, it doesn’t matter.” This statement, along with all the others alike; “Calm down,” “What are you getting so upset for?” and “It’s not a big deal,” may be said with good intentions. However, these dismissive expressions fail to acknowledge the emotional reality of the person experiencing distress.
The issue with these types of statements is that they don’t allow for the other person’s feelings or for the fact that their perspective may differ from our own. We might think we’re helping our loved ones when we say these phrases, suggesting that they have a lot to be grateful for or that there are bigger problems in the world. In actual fact, this shuts down our intuition, which is trying to signal that something is wrong. What we are communicating—whether we intend to or not—is that what doesn’t matter to us should also be insignificant to them.
The Impact of Dismissive Language
Let’s change it slightly; imagine hearing the words, “It doesn’t matter to me.” How does that feel? For most, it evokes a sense of frustration or isolation. If someone told you, “It doesn’t matter to me, so let’s get on with it,” would you feel validated? Or would you be left feeling unheard, dismissed, and perhaps even ashamed for expressing your emotions? It’s vital to understand that while something might not matter to one person, it can significantly impact another. Recognizing this is not only okay—it’s essential for healthy relationships.
Three Ways to Support Loved Ones Effectively
To promote understanding and compassion in our relationships, consider these three effective ways to support loved ones who are struggling:
1. Practice Active Listening
Active listening is more than just hearing words; it’s about fully engaging with the speaker. When someone shares their feelings, focus on them without distractions; this includes screens and even thinking about what you’re going to say in response, which takes you out of the moment. Maintain eye contact, nod, and use affirming verbal cues. For instance, saying things like “I can really hear what you’re saying” or “That sounds really tough” can convey that you are present and attentive. This helps the speaker feel acknowledged and respected. Sometimes you might have had a similar experience, however try to stay with the speaker as sharing your own experiences isn't active listening and focuses the attention onto you.
2. Validate Their Feelings
Validation is crucial for emotional support. After listening, try reflecting back what you’ve heard. For example, you could say, “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed by this situation.” This not only shows that you’ve been listening but also that you understand their emotional state. Validating someone’s feelings doesn’t mean you have to agree; it simply acknowledges their experience as real and significant. Using “It sounds like” statements gives the speaker the opportunity to disagree with you if they don’t feel that way; as you aren’t stating a fact, only offering how it sounds to you. Offering how it sounds can also be really helpful for someone that it unsure how they are feeling about a situation.
3. Ask Open-Ended Questions
Asking open-ended questions can encourage a deeper exploration of feelings which can be incredibly beneficial. Rather than asking closed questions like “Are you okay?”—which typically invites a simple yes or no answer—try asking open-ended questions. For example, “How are you feeling right now?” or inviting statements such as “Can you tell me more about what’s bothering you?”. This invites a more in-depth conversation, allowing your loved one to express themselves more freely.
Additional Tips for How to Listen Effectively
As we know, listening effectively goes beyond just hearing the words. Here are some additional tips for those important conversations:
- Be Present: Put away distractions—phones, computers, or any other interruptions. Show that you are fully engaged in the conversation.
- Reflect Emotions: Use phrases that reflect their emotions, such as “It seems like you’re really hurt by this.” This not only validates their feelings but also encourages them to continue sharing.
- Avoid Judgments: Approach the conversation without judgment. Everyone has a unique perspective shaped by their experiences, and it’s vital to create a safe space for them to share.
The Importance of Empathy
Empathy is at the heart of effective communication. While you may not fully understand another person’s experience, expressing empathy can bridge the gap between your realities. You might say, “I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you.” Such statements foster connection and demonstrate that you care about their feelings.
Conclusion
In a world that often emphasizes resilience and “bigger” problems, it’s essential to cultivate an environment where everyone feels safe to express their emotions. The next time a loved one shares their struggles, take a moment to reflect before responding. Instead of dismissing their feelings with “It’s okay, it doesn’t matter,” opt for active listening, validation, and empathy. This not only strengthens your relationships but also enhances emotional well-being for both you and your loved ones.
If you’re interested in exploring your relationships further or navigating your inner emotional world, I invite you to check out my website http://www.counselling-creations.co.uk for 1:1 counselling and psychotherapy sessions. Together, we can work towards fostering understanding, compassion, and deeper connections in your life.
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